


The Four Times Shepard Wished Kaidan Was There And The One Time She Did Not

by MsLanna



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-05
Updated: 2015-10-15
Packaged: 2018-04-25 01:01:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4940656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsLanna/pseuds/MsLanna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set during ME2. Shepard mopes, angsts, and agonises over Kaidan's absence. Except in the last instalment where she derives hope from it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lazarus Research Station

This was not the afterlife. Whatever Shepard had imagined that to be, this was not it. Alarms blared, ringing in her ears all too familiar. It was the only familiar thing. The ceiling was new, the surroundings strange and the voice giving her orders over the comm was unfamiliar.

Her instincts were still there, though. Shepard knew a life-or-death situation when she was in it. So she grabbed the gun, got thermal clips and shot her way out.

Only to find herself firmly in the grasp of Cerberus. Cerberus of all things. She shuddered, remembering the operations of them she had shut down. How could she be working with them?

She sat curled up, head on her knees. How? It was not right. And where was everybody else? Why was she not allowed to call anybody? Because she had been dead for tow years? Two fucking years. How was that even possible. And how would anybody not have moved on? How could she selfishly wish they had not?

And still.  
And still.

But he was not there. Of course not. Kaidan would be on duty somewhere, saving the galaxy. Shepard took a deep breath. He was a good man, a moral compass if she ever needed one. And it was alright. It was perfectly fine. He was exactly where he was supposed to be, doing what was right. Fighting the good fight for the Alliance, for humanity, for peace.

And shouldn't she be doing the same? Fight? Save lives?

Of course.

But was Cerberus the right decision? Oh, they had offered her everything. The new Normandy, money, weapons all kinds of support and even bits of the old crew to make her feel at home. They had gone to such length.

What for?

For her to save humanity. To save the galaxy as a side effect. To fight and do the right thing. Was that so bad?

Shepard hugged herself a little tighter. It was a tough decision to make all on her own. Why did she have to make it on her own? Why was he not here? Why was she being that unfair to him, consciously?

“What should I do, Kaidan?”

The emptiness yielded only silence ans an answer.

But what had she expected? She was all alone. Two years of being dead did that to you. And how could she return to her former life now anyway? Return and rip open the wounds that had just started to heal. Cast her friends and family back into anguish, into doubt, the toxic mixture of hope and pain which uncertainty brought.

How could they be certain it was her after all? After two fucking years. Resurrected by Cerberus. She wouldn't have allowed it if she had had a say in it. Shepard bit her kneecap. She hadn’t have a say. All she had was her life, what remained of it.

And a purpose. There was that. The Illusive Man wanted her to fight the Collectors, annihilate them so they would never again abduct a single human. That was a good cause, a worthy cause. She had seen the numbers of abducted people. Even the low estimates had way too many digits in them.

Who would save those people if she didn't?

Did this end justify the means? Was that enough to work with Cerberus. With. Always with. Never for. That was not- she dug her fingers into her calves, no. That was something she could not do. Just could not.

And Kaidan was not here. He was – somewhere else. Happy. Shepard prayed he was happy. As happy as he could be. It had been two years for him after all. Two whole years. He was strong. He would make it. He always had. After Jenkins died. After Ashley died. And now, she held her breath, he would have made it after she died as well. He had had two year after all.


	2. Omega

The return of Garrus drove home a point Shepard had thought she had already gotten. After all Joker had been a part of the original Normandy's crew as well. And Dr Chakwas was in the med bay again like before. It felt homely, safe.

But Garrus and her had gone to hell and back together. Had gone to hell and back together with Kaidan. And _he_ was not here.

She had almost lost Garrus as well. That would have been a heavy blow just after finding him again. But having him on board of the new Normandy might be hurting just as much. Or maybe worse because it hurt where she couldn't apply any remedy.

Kaidan.

Why hadn't she called him? Was she really that busy? It was just one call. The galaxy wouldn't come to an end if she took those few moments. The mere thought of talking to him even over the comms took her breath away. What would he say?

And what would she say?

It had been two years even if she had been technically dead for most of the time. How did you explain that? Not to mention Cerberus' motives for doing so. She didn't even understand it herself. And she did not trust Cerberus or the Illusive Man. Which made calling Kaidan all the more appealing and scary.

' _Hello, rumours of my death have been highly exaggerated_ ' was probably not going to do the trick. She definitely needed a better line before calling him. Which still left the problem of actually getting his contact data. The Alliance did not let that kind of information lie around. And who on board would she tell about this and ask to get her the information?

There was always Garrus. He was not Cerberus. But could he get at information like that? His days in C-Sec were over for a while now. How much influence did he still have after his stint on Omega? Was EDI protocolled to report if she tasked her with that? She was a Cerberus operative after all, bound by their programs. Was she programmed to refuse?

And even if, would that be so bad? Why should she hide from her past, from her former friends and family? The Illusive Man kept arguing that it would be mercy. Not telling them she was back because she might be dead again in just a little. Taking on the Collectors was not a task with a high chance of survival.

Such a persuasive argument. Spare their feelings. They only just healed. Don't do that to them again. So she hadn't. So she didn't. And it hurt. Seeing Garrus made that clear every time she looked at him. Shepard had almost asked him if he remembered. But she had stopped herself. Of course Garrus remembered. They would reminisce about the old days right up the point where it hurt too much to speak. Feros, Virmire, Ilos.

Shepard spent too much time with Garrus skirting the subject. If he noticed, he did not say. And she kept promising herself, she would not return to the main battery and not talk about what really was on her mind. Because it didn't help her and Garrus deserved better. But he was there and he remembered and when he put a hand on her shoulder when she suddenly fell silent-

“Give it two years,” he had said.

And Shepard was sure he was right. Two years from now she would either be dead or over it. But she didn't have those years here and now. She buried her head in her hands. Maybe she was too busy and these were the reasons. Because not being this busy meant having time to think. And time to think was painful And she had no solution for her own problems. So she might might as well solve somebody else’s.


	3. Horizon

Be careful what you wish for, it might come true.

Shepard leant against the bulkhead, letting the hot water wash over her. It was probably on its second or third cycle by now. The blood, dust, and sweat of Horizon had long washed off. Her inner turmoil had not. She opened her mouth to catch water with it until she spluttered. A regular three spring fountain.

What had she expected?

She should have held her self in check better. The whole trip had been a highly unprofessional, emotional roller-coaster. Compromised. It hadn't been two years for her. She should have known. Right from the start when her heart had dropped at the mention of his name.

Kaidan.

The Illusive Man knew what he was doing. A master of manipulation in his own right. Kaidan Alenko was on Horizon. Kaidan Alenko was in the colony the Collectors were currently abducting. Kaidan Alenko was within reach. If in need of saving from the Collectors most likely. How easily that had overridden her thoughts of safety for the colonists, her misgivings against the Illusive Man, her hesitation. Compromised, there was no other word for it.

And the mission on Horizon had been excruciating. Only a smattering of the colonists were still there, in stasis, fully conscious. Kaidan was not among them. Some of the pods were closed, possibly occupied. There was no way of telling who was inside. The Collector ship had seemed so far away and then it was gone, taking everybody with it.

Of course she had told the mechanic that they had done all they could, that she hadn't wanted it to end like that. She felt his pain and loss, because it was hers as well. It was.

And then there he was. Just like that. Inexplicable. The cadence of his voice almost too much as he listed her titles. “Commander Shepard. Captain of the Normandy. The first human Spectre. Saviour of the Galaxy. You're in the presence of a legend, Delan.” Kaidan looked at her. “And a ghost.”

Everything seemed to be going well. His hug was as warm as his tone had been even if he did hesitate a moment before embracing her. Who could blame him? It had been two years. And it felt as if the mission had taken an eternity of its own, worrying the whole time, the desperation of fearing him lost, the nagging pain of hope that wouldn't be vanquished. There was no dead body. There was still hope. Had anybody hoped like that after the Normandy had been destroyed? Had he?

Her eyes searched his features, roving over his skin in lieu of her hands. She remembered as if it had been yesterday. For her, it had been yesterday. But for him it had been two long years.

“It's been too long Kaidan. How have you been?” He looked good. Not torn with grief, not desperate. Strong. Shepard wanted to run her hand through his hair.

But somehow that was not the right thing to say, if there was a right thing to say. And however well he looked now, the anger in his voice betrayed him. How he had suffered from her loss. And he was right. She did show up after two years as if nothing had happened because for her, nothing had happened. She had been unconscious. Those years had not touched her. For her he was still, they were still.

But Kaidan had had two years. He had mourned her, mourned the relationship they had had. How could he not feel betrayed that she was alive and had not said a word? How had she let Cerberus manoeuvre her into not trying harder to contact him?

Cerberus, who ad been an enemy before her death. Who had leaked information about her revival and their cooperation. Who had lured Kaidan to Horizon just as she had been lured. Shepard shut down the shower with an angry slap.

It was easy to blame Garrus. Garrus who had accepted her return without little more than a shrug. Garrus, who had tried to change the galaxy for the better and found the structures for that lacking. Garrus, whose solution for this problem was to become a vigilante, who had followed her into questionable legality without batting an eye before.

He had done it again. Garrus had not asked, raged, demanded or questioned. He followed her again, just like that. What stake did he have in the human colonies? What reason did he have to follow her into battle? Admittedly, his plans had not worked out; neither as a Spectre nor as vigilante. But what was it she could give him? Whatever it was, Garrus had set a dangerous precedent.

And Kaidan was not Garrus. He would ask. His integrity would make him. And whatever Cerberus was doing that did not involve hunting down the Reapers, it was likely no better than two years ago. How could she blame him? Cerberus was still a terrorist group. And now she was working with them.

For a moment Shepard considered turning the hot water back n again, letting the scalding waterfall run over her to numb all thought. But what good would it do? Kaidan was gone. His integrity had gotten the better of him. Not unexpectedly, either.

Curling up on her bed, Shepard pulled the sheet over her head. She should be happy for him, he had moved on. As always, Kaidan had done the right thing. And just because she was willing to set her morals aside (but was she really?) to save humanity that didn't mean he would do the same. He didn't, hadn't. And it suited him well.

And still. And still.  
She hugged herself. It would have been good to have him back. To feel his warmth against her back again, to know she was not alone. In a ship half filled with friends, she was still all alone. She held her breath. If she concentrated, really concentrated, she could forget how safe his arms felt around her. She could forget his breath trickling down her cheek and the steady beat of a heart not hers.

But she couldn't sleep like that. Because relaxing her grip just a fraction let those memories well up again like a tsunami. And the receding emotions left nothing behind but the ravaged shores of her soul.


	4. Mnemosyne

If things had to get worse before they could get better, Shepard did not want to live to see it. She could not imagine much worse than this. Everything was askew and even setting things right was wrong.

Shepard looked at the half empty bottle of wine on the low table before her. It hadn’t helped. She kicked its predecessor that was rolling under the table but hadn’t helped either. Pouring yet another glass she sighed. Hope died last. It actually, fucking did.

But was there to hope for? They had acquired the Reaper IFF. Right now EDI was integrating it into the Normandy. Shepard was only waiting for her okay to go. And that would be it. Off through the Omega 4 Relay. Off forever to save humanity. To save everybody, even if Cerberus wasn't doing it for that reason.

Cerberus.

She would be glad to terminate that association. Yes, they had helped her fight the Reapers so far, but the methods of the Illusive Man were more than questionable. His obsession with the Reapers was unhealthy. And his people were suffering the consequences. It was nothing she hadn't told herself before

Shepard wished Kaidan was there. Just being there would help. That he would actually agree that she was still doing good, was expecting too much, though. She had crossed a line somewhere, somewhen without even noticing. And now, here she was. All alone with a glass of wine for company and wistful thoughts about Kaidan instead of the upright man himself. He'd have her head for this.

Well, he would have to get in line, wouldn't he? The Collectors were about to get the first shot at her. How she wished to have him at her side. It would make the horrors easier to bear. The mutilated figures created from human parts were easy to fight if you didn't think about how they had come to be. How could you even be sure there wasn't a part of somebody you once knew in them?

Kaidan would have an answer even to that. Unlike her, he worked out how to handle such conundrums. Taking a long sip, Shepard leant back. She preferred clean-cut problems. Shoot to kill and bury the baddies. That's what she had done in the Alliance anyway. And any time they had run into Cerberus back then, they had found atrocities.

Maybe Kaidan thought she didn't remember. Maybe he thought she had forgotten about General Kahoku. She had not. There were nights she didn't actually think of him. She drained her glass. But those nights might just be over. Cerberus had been investigating the derelict Reaper for some time. And judging by the number of husks they had encountered, the Illusive man had lost more than one team.

And still she was working with him. And still she believed – Shepard stopped and poured herself another glass of wine. What exactly was it that she believed? She couldn't even tell any longer. She believed the Collectors had to be stopped. She believed the Alliance would take too long to launch any useful action. She believed she could do it. Did that add up working with Cerberus?

And f it did, what did it say about herself? Was she still the woman Kaidan had lost two years ago? How deep did she have to dig to find her? And how could she expect Kaidan to do that? He had moved on. Had done his best to keep living. She had expected no less. He was a good man.

And seeing her again had been a shock; he had a right to be angry. She had let the Illusive Man talk her into silence with flimsy arguments that masked nothing as much as her own fears. The greatest of them being – Shepard drained the glass in one go and poured the last dregs into it. It wasn't much.

The thing was that she didn't blame him as much as herself. Which might be more difficult to overcome. After all he had apologised for his reaction on Horizon. Kaidan Alenko giving in to a knee-jerk reaction was something she had never thought she'd see. And she had not handled that well. And he had realised, because he was not only damn fine man but also a good one, that for her it had not been two years.

They had been like strangers, separated by time. Their time together had been too long ago for him and too close for her. But he had realised it and he had apologised. And she, and she – Shepard put the glass down very carefully as not to crush it.

Things might never settle down again. There might never be a time to get drinks on the Citadel. Or whatever he had in mind. She knew what she had in mind and tried to push the images away wearily. There was a time and place for that. Had been. She took a deep breath. Had been. There had been a time for that.

And now, now was the time for something else. The way to her desk was longer than expected and a little shaky. Shepard slumped down on the chair, activating her private terminal. Maybe things would settle down again. Maybe one day. If she managed to reply to his message. Because she had not contacted him for too long already. Because he deserved better. Better than she could be right now. Maybe he should know that.


	5. The Collector Base

So his was it. Shepard listened to the door close behind her. In just two hours, they would be going through the Omega 4 Relay. There was no turning back. Maybe it had never been possible to turn back. She sat down, staring of the picture of Kaidan sitting on her desk.

The Illusive Man had known what he was doing. Right from the start. He had isolated her from everybody. For the best of reasons of course. And she had gone along. For the best of reasons herself. A dead woman walking. And shooting. Well more running and shooting. But dead nevertheless. And about to die again and take a hell of a great crew with her.

Picking up the picture, she gently dusted it off. Whoever else was going to die on this mission, he was not one of them. Shepard smiled. “At least you won't have to suffer losing me again.” Setting the image down, Shepard crossed her arms on the desk and rested her chin on them. “You were always smart.”

It wasn't that she didn't miss him any more. Time had done little to eradicate the acute pain of suddenly being torn out of a relationship the other considered terminated years ago. But if she had another two years? Yeah, she'd get over it. But she might not even have to.

Shepard closed her eyes. She could almost feel him. He had that funny habit to breath real regular when he was reading. It made her sleepy. And he did make a good pillow, too. Smelled real nice on top of that. She sighed.

In two hours it would al be over. No more time to think about anything but the mission. Her mission. And the only way out was through. But Shepard wasn't worried. They would do what had to be done. It didn't matter what they would find on the other side of the Omega 4 Relay. If the Collectors had a planet covered in bastions, surrounded by battle stations and clouds of fighters, they would take them out because somebody had to.

And they would win. For the everybody back home. For the loved ones left behind. For a better life for everybody. Shepard chuckled at herself. She had always denied the cold mathematics of war. You couldn't sacrifice a few millions to save a few trillions. But look at what she was about to do. Sacrifice a few to save the many.

Kaidan would have seen the irony of it. Maybe it would be enough for him that she defeated the Collectors. Tangible proof for the reasons of her alliance with Cerberus. Maybe coming back home was not necessary. His strong sense of moral and integrity had always distinguished Kaidan. It mattered to him. Not just the what and the why, but also the how. No, she was not missing him a lick less. But was he worth dying for?

Shepard buried her face against her arms. Worth it. Damned well worth it. Even if he never knew. And he might not.

She had never gotten a reply to her message. Maybe the Illusive Man had intercepted it. Maybe he had intercepted Kaidan's answer. Maybe he hadn't had to. She remembered only vaguely what she had written in the haze of two bottles of red wine. It had felt true, still did. But there was no trace of the message anywhere in the system.

Maybe Kaidan would be angry at her for never replying to his apology. Maybe it was better like that. Let him be angry. Let him rage instead of mourn. It was easier to deal with. For both of them. Shepard didn't want to imagine him sad, mourning her death all over again. It was not right.

But other than that? It felt good to know he would live. Whatever happened beyond the Omega 4 Relay would stay there. Kaidan would be safe. And one day, one day he would also be happy. The sooner the better. He deserved that.

And maybe, just maybe- after all, Liara was the Shadow Broker now and her connections were safe, even from Cerberus, even from the Illusive Man. Shepard sat up and turned on her omni-tool. Liara had given her very detailed instructions about how to reach her on a safe channel. She would put it to good use. One last time.

Her glance strayed back to the image on her desk, bouncing off the replication of brown eyes. Eyes that were deep and yielding in reality, understanding, scolding, teasing, demanding. Her fingers reached out before she even noticed.

He would live. And that was all that mattered. Taking a deep breath her hand settled over the keys.

_Dear Kaidan,_

That had been easy, but the words stuck in her head already. It seemed impossible to untangle them enough to get them through her hands into the message. She wanted to say everything and still not a single word fit. Keep it short, keep it simple. She blinked slowly.

_I am about to go through the Omega 4 Relay and I don't know if I will be back. Be safe. Be happy. I love you and it gives me strength to know that you will live._

Was that too soppy? Was anything too soppy for last words? And it was not the worst of messages to have written in the unlikely case she returned.

'Live, Kaidan,' she whispered into the emptiness of her cabin. 'Live and be happy. Be the man I always admired.' She couldn't bring herself to say the last three words out loud.

Shepard sent the message hastily before she changed her mind. Yes, it would have been nice to know he was by her side. Yes, she missed him more than she admitted even to herself. But yes, he would live in a galaxy safe because she would make it so. With a smile. His future was very well damned worth it.


End file.
